How to Surround Yourself With the Right People (Thieves and Allies)

By Antonio Neves

To surround yourself with the right people, start with who you actually spend your time with, not who you wish you did. Sort them honestly into allies (people who make you better) and thieves (people who take your time and energy and give you comfort back). Then make two small moves every day: have one real conversation with an ally, and give a little less of your automatic time to the thieves. It doesn't have to happen all at once. One good conversation today counts.

Back at Western Michigan I was a walk on in track. Two years in, I was doing badly, and my coach, Jack Shaw, didn't sugarcoat it.

"Tony, you're doing absolutely horrible."

Then he pointed something out. Our team had two of the best athletes in the country. One of them went to the Olympics. The other went to multiple world championships. And I had never spent any real time with either one of them.

So where was I spending it? At the high jump mat. Which was essentially the bar. The club. Not bad people at all. They just weren't All Americans.

Shaw didn't call me out. He called me up. That conversation is where thieves and allies comes from for me.

I finished all conference with a partial scholarship. Never an All American, and I want to be real clear about that part.

A thief usually isn't a villain. Most of the time a thief is somebody you like. They take your time, your energy or your focus and hand you comfort in return. Think high jump mat.

An ally is somebody whose orbit makes you better. They're doing the thing you want to do, or they'll tell you the truth when you're doing horrible, or both.

And the same person can be an ally on a Tuesday morning and a thief on a Friday night, so what you're really sorting is how the hours get spent.

You've probably heard that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. It gets repeated so much it sounds like a fortune cookie. There's real research behind the general idea, though.

In 2007, Nicholas Christakis of Harvard Medical School and James Fowler of UC San Diego published a study in the New England Journal of Medicine using records from the Framingham Heart Study, a network of 12,067 people followed between 1971 and 2003. When someone's close friend became obese, that person's own chance of becoming obese went up 57%. Distance didn't seem to matter. Fowler put it this way: "your friend who's 500 miles away has just as much impact on your obesity as [one] next door." Neighbors who weren't friends had no effect.

It's one observational study, so it shows a pattern, not proof that one friend made the other gain weight. But it lines up with what Shaw saw at that track. In that data, the friends people picked mattered and the neighbors next door didn't.

If you want this on paper, the free 1-Day Method Starter Kit has the question, your 3 priorities, the daily acts and a spot for end of day wins. Print it and write tomorrow's one name on it tonight.

Not who you'd like to spend time with. Who you actually did. Look at your texts, your calendar, your recent calls and who you sat next to at lunch. Count the group chats too, and the people you scroll every night.

Write the names down. Five to ten is plenty.

Three questions make this easier:

Be honest and be kind about it. A thief can be your favorite person to laugh with, and nobody's getting cut off in this step. It's just noticing where the hours go.

Shaw's point was that the best people on the team were right there and I'd never walked over. So who's on your team? A coworker who's great at the thing you're bad at. A neighbor who's been running for ten years. Somebody in your field who's two steps ahead of you.

Write down one or two names. If you don't know anybody like that yet, go where they already are: a class, a run club, a professional group, a church, a volunteer shift. Books and talks from people you'll never meet help too, but at some point you want somebody who actually knows your name.

In The 1-Day Method, one of the Top 5 daily acts is Connect: one meaningful conversation a day. A like or an emoji reaction doesn't count. A text where you actually ask something does, and so does a five minute call. (There's more on fitting Connect into a packed day in the CEO daily routine post.)

After the fire took our home, people checked in that January. Then it went quiet until holiday card season. And I've done the exact same thing to people I love, so I'm not pointing fingers at anybody. Real friendship is the random Tuesday, not the crisis check in.

So each morning, pick one name from your ally list and reach out. Ask how the thing they're working on is going. Tell them what you're working on.

You don't need a breakup speech. Just stop handing over the default hours. Mute the group chat that eats your evenings. Skip the third happy hour of the week. Go to the track instead of the mat.

Saying no doesn't need a long explanation either. There's a short piece on this if you want the words.

And if somebody in your life is hurting you, not just distracting you, that's bigger than a daily habit. Talk to someone you trust, or a therapist or counselor, about a safe next step.

Sometimes the circle you had just isn't there anymore. You moved, you changed jobs, a relationship ended, life flipped over. Or the circle is there and it's all high jump mat.

Start with one. One ally you talk to every week is enough to start. A text today, coffee in two weeks, a walk the month after that.

And if it's not only people, if you feel stuck across the board, start with what to do when you feel stuck in life.

Write down who you actually spent time with this week, then sort each person into ally, thief or neither. Spend a little more time near one or two people who are doing what you want to do, have one real conversation a day with an ally, and give less of your automatic time to people who drain your energy or focus.

An ally makes you better: they're doing the thing you want to do, or they'll tell you the truth when you're off track. A thief takes your time, energy or focus and gives you comfort back. A thief usually isn't a bad person, and the same person can be both depending on how you spend the time.

Not literally, but the general idea has research behind it. A 2007 study in the New England Journal of Medicine by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler followed 12,067 people from 1971 to 2003 and found that when a close friend became obese, a person's own chance of becoming obese rose 57%, even when the friend lived far away. It's an observational study, so it shows a pattern rather than proof of cause.

Skip the big speech. Give them less of your default time: mute the group chat, say no to some invitations and fill that time with people and things that move you forward. If someone is hurting you, not just distracting you, talk to someone you trust or a therapist about a safe next step.

Start with one. Go where people doing what you want already gather, like a class, a club or a professional group, and have one real conversation a day. One ally you talk to every week is enough to start.

The 1-Day Method Planner is the paper version of the question I asked every morning after the fire. Each day has room for what will make today a success, your Essential 3, up to five focused tasks, the Top 5 and your wins. It takes under 5 minutes. It's undated, so you can start whatever day it is, and it covers 90 days. It's $29.99 on Amazon.

Connect is one of the Top 5, so step 4 becomes part of every day instead of something you hope you'll remember. Pick the name in the morning and at night you'll know whether the conversation happened.

If you want the whole method, the question, the Essential 3 and the Top 5, it's in the book, The 1-Day Method. It's short on purpose.

Not ready to buy anything? Grab the free 1-Day Method Starter Kit: the question, your 3 priorities, the daily acts and end of day wins. Use it to plan tomorrow's one conversation.

Antonio Neves is an author, keynote speaker, and former journalist for NBC, PBS, and MTV Networks. He's delivered more than 400 keynotes for companies like Google, McDonald's, and Visa. After his family lost their home in the 2025 Los Angeles wildfires, he created The 1-Day Method to rebuild his life one day at a time.